Is It Time to Leave, or Time to Heal? Deciding if Your Relationship is Worth the Work
Written by Gabby Entz, AMFT
Therapist at Color Me Therapy
Wondering if your relationship is worth fighting for? Feeling ready to find that exit door or emergency escape hatch? You’re not alone in feeling exhausted, worn down, or unsure!
Relationships can be hard to navigate and trying to determine if something is a rough patch, stuck pattern, or “really broken” can be a daunting question. And trying to figure out if something is worth putting in the work to heal can be confusing and overwhelming.
This blog is meant to give you a starting point to navigate the disconnection you find yourself in right now and hopefully give you an idea of what needs to come next.
Dealbreaker or Stuck in a Pattern?
Patterns
So many of the problems couples face boil down to the deeply rooted patterns in their lives– maybe from even before they ever met each other. Sometimes, even if it feels completely unchangeable, it might just be a pattern ingrained deep in the core of the relationship or person that needs a little acknowledgement, exploration, and intentional decisions to shift it.
So, let’s explore if your relationship is stuck in a pattern first.
Unhelpful relational patterns usually develop out of the hurts, fears, and pain that we have carried from our past which create responses and reactions to protect ourselves. These can come from many places–maybe from our families growing up, from previous relationships or some other experiences we’ve had that left us vulnerable.
These patterns start showing up without us even realizing it, especially in our closest relationships where hurt can feel the deepest. This can show up in ways like feeling defensive, even when the other person wasn’t really being critical. Or by wanting to walk away or hide when conflict starts coming up.
Each person’s pattern will look different because each person’s story and protective layers are different. Remember, these protective layers are things we’ve put in place in order to keep ourselves from getting more hurt, but they can sometimes get in the way if we aren’t aware of them.
We all have these protective layers, but what makes a relationship worth the work and able to heal is whether we start acknowledging these reactions, patterns, and self-protections.
Once we start to acknowledge what our patterns are, we can then begin to explore and shift those patterns through intentional choices. This is how we navigate couple’s therapy at Color Me Therapy called the AED approach (read more about the AED approach here).
Exploring helps you get below the surface to start seeing the pain, fears, hurts, or needs that you might be trying to protect. Exploring is less about just making a change and more about getting curious about yourself and your partner. It’s about trying to understand what’s driving the pattern (read more about that here!).
Let’s Acknowledge and Explore:
Use these questions to do some acknowledging and exploring.
Think about how you react or respond to your partner in conflict. Do you tend to avoid, hide away, or escape? Maybe you tend to fight back, escalate conflict, or keep trying to bring the conflict up again until it goes your way? There are many ways this can look!
Now think about how your partner reacts and ask those same questions from their POV. Obviously, you aren’t a mind reader, but if you take a few moments to be in their shoes, you might be able to think through their side of the pattern too.
*This also helps you to begin building some empathy for them and seeing beyond the conflict or pattern to the pain they might be feeling.
Dealbreakers
Okay, so you’ve explored your patterns a little bit. But, what if there’s more to it than just both of you stuck in a pattern? Here’s what to look for to notice if a dealbreaker is on the table and it’s time to leave:
Do one or both of you refuse to change?
Do one or both of you refuse to take responsibility for your parts?
Do one or both of you feel emotionally unsafe?
Do one or both of you refuse to have vulnerability or emotional depth?
Time to Leave?
So, the cold hard truth is if both of you are not open or willing to put in the work to acknowledge, explore, and decide to make changes to shift your patterns, you’re likely in a place that will remain stagnant and unchanged.
A partner that is willing to examine their behavior, communication, and explore alternative ways of interacting, is a partner that you can make changes with. A partner who refuses to look at their own part in the relationship dynamic, blames all the problems on a single source, or isn’t willing to adjust how they interact might be a partner who is unwilling to heal the relationship.
Ultimately, no one else can say whether you should stay or leave, only you and your partner know your relationship well enough to make that choice.
The question is: are you willing to acknowledge your part, explore the dynamic, and make intentional decisions to change what needs to change?
Are you willing to dig a little deeper into your relationship and see if it’s worth investing in the healing?
Get a Guide
This work can be overwhelming and difficult to manage on your own as a couple. If you’re finding that to be the case, reach out! Get some help from a therapist who knows how to help couples acknowledge, explore, and decide a different path forward.
We offer couple’s therapy at Color Me Therapy that helps you and your partner explore and navigate the patterns you’re experiencing and discover ways to break through those patterns into a thriving relationship!
We offer FREE consultations to get started. If any of this blog resonated for you, it might be time to reach out for extra support. We’re here to help!
**If you are experiencing physical or emotional abuse, seek help immediately. Abuse of any kind does not align with couple’s therapy, as there needs to be space for safety, vulnerability, and connection.
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