How to Shift your Communication Patterns
- gabriellemmueller7
- Aug 21
- 4 min read
Gabby Entz, MA, AMFT
Therapist at Color Me Therapy
Ever thought to yourself “gosh, that conversation didn’t go well…”? Or “I wish I could just say what I wanted to say better!” Or maybe you don’t like how conversations are going with your partner, friends, or co-workers? You’re not alone! I’m here to give you some practical tools to start shifting those patterns. And maybe you’re saying, “wait a minute… it’s not me, it’s them!” Well, the hard truth is, you can’t force them to shift, but you can make shifts for yourself that will start changing the patterns around you. Remember, even a small stone makes huge ripples, you can be that stone!
Let’s dive in!
“I-Statements”
Maybe you’ve heard about “I-Statements” before, or maybe it’s brand new, either way, this is one of the most powerful tools you can use to shift the emotional direction of a conversation. This is especially helpful for communication that escalates regularly.
How to Shift:
Action: Someone does or says something
Reaction: You have an internal reaction
PAUSE! Before letting that reaction out, pause.
Ask
What are you feeling? Anger? Fear? Irritation? Nervous? Etc..
What were they doing? What triggered that internal reaction?
Why does it bother me? This can help with gaining insight and deeper understanding into yourself.
Frame it neutral, keep the action on you, no blame.
"I feel scared when I’m yelled at…"
Rephrase It: and fill in the blanks of the “I-Statement” sentence:
I feel ____ when _____ because _____
This tool helps remove blame. When a conversation starts with blame, it often escalates. Leading with what’s going on inside you is a vulnerable choice, not a selfish choice.
Remember, “I-statements” are meant to communicate not to blame. If the other person still feels criticized, then try adjusting your “I-Statement”. Tap into your vulnerability, and keep practicing, it takes time to build this skill! If this is not helping after practicing, you might need a little extra support. You're not alone! Reach out so we can build these skills together.
Active Listening
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and then suddenly realized, “oh, shoot, I haven’t really heard anything they said in the last 10 seconds…”? Or maybe you find yourself coming up with the next thing you want to say while the other person is still talking? We’ve all been there!
Active listening helps you to be more present, engaged, and intentional in communication. This is really helpful in conflict!
How to Shift:
Listen and track with them
Use verbal and non-verbal cues to let them know you are following along
Summarize what you heard back to them
“So what I heard you say was….”
Check if you got it right
“Did I get that right?”
“Is that what you were trying to say?”
Follow-up with intentional questions
*Don’t jump right into your side (the hardest part!).
*Keep engaging this new cycle until you have de-escalated or reached understanding together.
The goal is to have less reaction and deeper understanding once you start using this skill. Give it a try! And remember, this takes practice!
If you've tried this skill and it doesn't seem to be making a difference, you might need a little extra support. You're not alone! Reach out so we can build these skills together.
Have a Conversation Redo
Ever wish you could redo that conversation that didn’t go the way you hoped? Or, maybe you hold onto the hurt too long after? Let me introduce you to the “redo”.
I think this is an important skill to develop in communication, especially with a partner, so that you can come back to important conversations. This allows you to come back to a hard conversation and try again in a calmer way. (Maybe use the other skills you just learned about!)
How to Shift:
Recognize the escalation
Agree to take a break
Pick a time you’ll come back to the conversation
Calm down during the break
Come back with insight, responsibility, or a calmer ability to engage
This does not mean that you won’t feel hurt or disappointed, but this tool gives you a chance to bring up hard conversations again in a calmer, less hurtful way. If you’re both willing to take responsibility for what didn’t go well, you can keep moving toward changing your communication patterns.
*If you don’t think you’re ready to engage the conversation again in a way that’s less hurtful, repeat the process (say you’re not ready and set a new time).
*Ignoring hard conversations or never coming back to hard conversations can build up resentment and unresolved issues.
If you find that you cannot have the redo conversations without escalating, you might need a little extra support. You're not alone! Reach out so we can build these skills together.
Support
Are you willing to give these a try? Or maybe you need a little extra support to build these skills or talk through your communication patterns? You’re not alone! Reach out for a consultation and we can get started on your communication journey together.
Follow the Link below to start your therapy journey.
Gabby's Therapy Contact form
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