Are My Boundaries Helping or Hurting?
Written by Gabby Entz, AMFT
Therapist at Color Me Therapy
What are boundaries? And why are they important?
Simply put, boundaries are the fences of our lives and determine how much we let people into our lives. They allow us to build trust, have deep connections, while also maintaining safety and security.
They are important because boundaries keep us safe, they help us know when someone is trying to take advantage of us or hurt us. However, there are times when our boundaries might be hurting us and keeping us from having true connections with others–either being too open or too closed.
Types of Boundaries
Let’s dig into understanding what types of boundaries there are and do a little self-assessment of what your boundaries are. I like to use the illustration of a house with a fence to understand different kinds of boundaries. Each kind of boundary is a different kind of fence, illustrating the amount that we allow people into the security and safety of our “house.” The illustrations are taken to the most extreme version of each type of boundary, but we all have a mixture of boundary types. Let's explore this idea together.
Open Boundaries
The first type of boundary we will dig into is open boundaries. Some other ways this type of boundary is described are porous or diffuse boundaries. We often have open boundaries when we don’t know or trust ourselves enough. We essentially turn over our trust to others. Open boundaries could also stem from low self-esteem, low confidence, or simply not knowing it is allowed or how to have a boundary.
A House with No Fence
I like to think of open boundaries like a house with no fence at all. Anyone can waltz into your yard, and even into your house. If you took the illustration further, you might even say that the door to the house is unlocked or even left open for people to come and go as they please, all the while you might be standing by saying “thank you for coming.”
Open Boundaries might look like:
Giving in to others more often than not
Not being able to say “no”
Not knowing your own likes/dislikes
Trusting everyone without question
Secure Boundaries
What I like to call secure boundaries, are the kind of boundaries that allow us to choose for ourselves. These boundaries allow us to let trusted people in our lives that are worthy of deep connection. They also allow us to say no to others who might not have our best interest in mind.
A House with a Picket Fence
I like to think of secure boundaries as a house with a picket fence. This house is secured enough that people cannot just come and go, but is open enough to allow people to see what’s going on and come up to the fence to build connection. The house is not closed off, but is also secure.
This fence would likely have a gate and even a lock with keys. That way YOU’RE choosing who the keys are given to, and who comes in and out.
Secure boundaries might look like:
Taking time to build trust
Knowing yourself; your own likes and dislikes
Communicating disagreements respectfully
Responding vs reacting
Intentionally choosing to say “no” or “yes” to things
Considering others’ values
Closed Boundaries
Finally, the third type of boundary to consider are closed boundaries. These boundaries are sometimes called rigid boundaries. These boundaries close you off from others, especially from deep connection.
Sometimes these boundaries are formed after hurts, traumas, or broken trust, and I believe these kinds of boundaries are meant to help protect us. Although these boundaries may be helpful in some situations after being hurt, they are not helpful boundaries to keep with everyone, all the time.
A House with Walls and Locks
I like to think of closed boundaries as a house with a cement wall around it. No one can see in, no one even wants to approach it. The house is closed off from the world.
There might be a solid door or gate that can only be opened from the inside, and probably has about 20 different locks and bolts. This house might feel secure from the inside, but if this is the only kind of boundary we have, then it’s actually a prison that we’ve made for ourselves.
Closed boundaries might look like:
Not being open to vulnerability
Cutting people off quickly
Only trusting yourself
Always saying no
How to know if boundaries are helping or hurting?
It is important to state that not all relationships will have the same boundaries. Some relationships need a little more closed boundaries than others, whereas some relationships will need more secure boundaries that need to be opened up more–like in a marriage or long-term relationship.
I think that each kind of boundary has its strengths and weaknesses and might be needed in different situations. This is where some hard and deep self-examination comes into play. If you only have one kind of boundary for all relationships, especially open or closed, this might be hurting you and preventing you from having truly connected and deep relationships.
Self Examination
So, let’s take a few minutes to think through different relationships and settings in our lives. Here are some questions to help you examine your boundaries in different areas:
Am I open to being vulnerable?
Has this person shown me they are trustworthy over time? Not perfect, but trustworthy over time.
Am I able to state my own needs, wants, and desires while also receiving others’ needs, wants, and desires?
Am I quick to cut someone off?
Do I trust myself enough to know if someone is safe? Or do I only trust myself?
Support
Learning your boundaries can be overwhelming at times! It can also be challenging to know how to start implementing secure and healthy boundaries.
If you find that this is you, reach out! You’re not alone and we’d love to help at Color Me Therapy! Creating and discovering your secure boundaries leads to deepened connections, stronger relationships, and a more aligned self. We hope you find that!
Learn more about our individual therapy services or explore couples therapy at Color Me Therapy.
Schedule a free consultation today.
*This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment.
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